How To Become Better Lover

Most of us could become better lovers if we tried. No one is born great lover, the best lovers listen and learn and then practice what they learned and become good lovers.

Being good lover is rewarding and worth the effort. Michael Castleman, the author of 'Great Sex: A Man's Guide to the Secret Principles of Total-Body Sex' said it well:

"I'm telling men to make love more sensually, not just as a favor to women, but because it's in men's own sexual self-interest to engage in nonpornographic, total-body sensual sex, because they'll stop worrying about their penis size, their lover will be a lot happier with them, and they, men, will be a lot happier with themselves" (MedicineNet Opens in new window symbol)

When I talk about sexual partner, I will refer to her on regular basis. These lovemaking tips are of course as valid if your sexual partner is male.

Good Lover Has The Right Attitude To Sex

Drawing lovers kissing

Your attitude matters when it comes to sex. Men that only think about their own sexual pleasure are not great lovers. It is as simple as that.

If you have the following attitude towards your sexual partner and lovemaking, you are likely to be a great lover already. If not, work on them and you will become better lover.

Concentrate On Your Lover

Give your lover your full attention. She can tell if you are concentrating on her and not only thinking about your own sexual pleasure.

Complement her, e.g. on her look and performance in bed. We all feel good when we get complements.

Find Out What She Wants In Bed

To become better lover you need to be considerate to her needs and wants in bed. Ask her what she likes and doesn't like in bed. Find out what her fantasies are.

You could even swap fantasizes. However, if your fantasy is about making love to her sister or best friend, then you might want to keep it to yourself!

Don't Pressure Her

Never pressure your lover to do anything in bed that she is not comfortable with doing. She might get curious about trying it in the future but it must be when she is ready and on her terms.

The same of course applies to you. You should never do anything in bed that you are not comfortable with doing.

Use Your Imagination

Don't be afraid to take the initiative and introduce new things into your sex life. Just stop immediately if your partner doesn't like it.

The brain is our biggest sex organ, use it to your advance.


Good hygiene is important for both sexes. Yes, we as sexual beings are attracted to subtle natural odor, but few are attracted to strong smelly bodily odors. The same applies if you reek of cigarette smoke or drinking.

Smelling and tasting clean and fresh is more likely to put your lover in the right mood.

Know The Difference Between Porn And Real Life

Many men, and even some women, like to watch porn to get in the right mood. It is however important to know the difference between porn and real sex.

Don't compare yourself, or your partner, to the people you see in porn movies. Porn stars are not recruited based on their skills as actors. Male porn stars tend to have longer than average penises and few women look naturally like the female porn stars.

And don't use porn as a guide to how to become better lover. Pornography usually portraits sex as solely genital, i.e. the concentration is entirely on the sex act, there are no feelings involved.

Most porn movies do not reflect what women in real life want. For example, few women want you to walk into a room and press your penis in her mouth within 5 seconds.

“I’m not going to stand in the way of your watching porn, as long as you’re aware that it’s not reality,” Castleman says. “It’s like watching a car chase in an action movie. It’s exciting. It’s entertaining. But everyone knows it’s not the way to drive” (WebMD Opens in new window symbol)

Good Lover Works On His Lovemaking Technique

Becoming better lover is not only about the right attitude to sex, it is also about mastering the lovemaking technique.

Technique is not only about the sexual act, i.e. how you have sex. It is also about how to get your partner into the right mood for lovemaking.

The Right Atmosphere

Bubblebath and champange

Creating the right atmosphere usually works well when seducing a woman. Romantic atmosphere puts most women in the right mood.

You may have to experiment to find out what works best on your woman but most women associate candles, flowers and champagne with romantic gestures.

Add walk on the beach, picnic in the park, watching romantic movie, dinner at your favorite restaurant, dancing… whatever gets your lady in the right mood for love.

Eliminate Pleasure Killers

Just as some things can put us in the mood for sex, some things can put us out of mood. For example, being worried that someone could walk in on you having sex can take the pleasure out of it for many (while for some it might add extra excitement).

Try to eliminate possible pleasure killers beforehand if you can. Make sure you have enough time and privacy to enjoy what you are doing.

Take Your Time

Good sex takes time. There is nothing wrong with quickies, they can be pleasurable for both parties. However, sometimes you, and your partner, want more and then you need more time.

Making time for prolonged sex is important in any relationship and necessary if you want to become better lover.

Concentrate On The Whole Body - Not Just The Genitals

We are all more than just our genitals. Other parts of our bodies can give us great sexual pleasure too, e.g. earlobes, inner thighs, mouth, neck, spine, etc. Knowing women's Erogenous Zones Opens in new window symbol will definitely help you to become better lover.

The best lovers know how to get women excited during foreplay by playing her whole body. Most women get excited if the pleasure is build up gradually, i.e. if you work your way through her body towards her genitals.

Use Your Whole Body - Not Just Your Penis

You can also pleasure your partner with more than just your penis. All good lovers know how to give pleasure with their mouth and fingers.

Actually, women can have different types of orgasm. Clitoral orgasm is the most common, i.e. orgasm that is the result of clitoral stimulation. Mouth and fingers are great tools for giving women clitoral orgasm.

Everyone Loves Sensual Massage

Massage is a great way to stimulate your partner sexually. Buy some nice massage oils and learn how to give great massage and you are immediately on your way of becoming better lover.

Introduce Sex Toys

Sex toys can add spice into your sex life and everyone should be able to find something to their likings. Most women enjoy vibrating toys, as well as sensual sex toys, i.e. with nice texture and smell.

Adding new toys to your toy box on regular basis can do wonder for your sex life and help you to become better lover.

Erotic Movies

Women are not as "visually aroused" as men. Just seeing naked man does not have the same effect on a woman as seeing naked woman has on a man.

Still many women like erotic movies and some even like watching porn movies. If you have never watched erotic movie together before, then start with something erotic and sensual, not hard core porn movie.

Refine Your Technique

You may already be good or even great lover, but we can always do better. We are never too old to learn. Look out for new things to try and to inspire your sex life.

Sex is like any other skill we have. The more we put into it, the more we get out of it. Therefore, to become better lover you need to think about sex as well as do it.

Fortunately, that's what most men love to do anyway.